Hey Paramore, What's Fun About Being Ostracized?

Don't you love opening up a bag of chips in anticipation of the salty goodness that awaits your taste buds only to find the whipped air that leaves your allotment of chips greatly reduced. What an advertiser's conceit!! I'm hinting that "rip-off" flashes on the Jumbotron screen in my mind when what the label proposes to give me and what I actually get turn out to be two different things. I get that artists evolve either by choice or to adapt to the always restless parameters of the music business but what..the...hell! I had high hopes for Paramore during the "Misery Business" era. Straight up the gut rock strutting that didn't care what you thought about its rotten attitude. "That's What You Get" kept the stream of hook inundated in your face rock going strong. Along came the voice that whispered in Hayley Williams' ear..."Oh Hayley, you and your band ought to come up with a thoughtful ballad. That'll bring the young lovers in like bees attracted to a hive." Thus we received "The Only Exception", high on sleepy melody, low on profound lasting power. What's brought about marked stylistic departure is the departure of founding brothers Josh and Zac Farro. Hayley herself implies as much. A tweak here a tuck there is one thing, "Ain't It Fun" is an entirely different ball game altogether. Let me get right to why for Paramore's true blue followers this effort is going to amount to one hell of a jarring culture shock. Hayley's keyboard work sounds as if was plucked straight out of the wheelhouse of any one of a number of '80s ingenues. Regina ("Baby Love') just called. She wants her share of the royalty money back. 1985 Teena Marie wouldn't have sounded out of her element had she flashed tonsils to this type of blow dried peppiness. You think Deborah (sorry Debbie is so 1987) Gibson didn't reach the heights of pop stardom with Diet Coke radio friendly first. Why not Martika? Before there was her stab at deep thought entitled "Toy Soldiers" she unleashed "More Than You Know" on the record purchasing hordes. Get where I'm headed? Paramore can lodge "Ain't It Fun" into the confines of a self-titled, "we're brand new as an entity but we're really the same rockin' fiends you've come to know and hopefully like a whole bunch" album but the onion in the proverbial ointment remains keyboards that belong in a retro Members Only jacket commercial. Okay, that's glaring inconsistency number one. Number two lies strictly in the blatant finger wagging tone of the lyrics. Not Hayley's voice. She hasn't lost her baby riot girl smackdown edge. It was her decision to give the keyboards star billing, though. Don't even think about getting up in Jeremy Davis' grills. He plays his bass as if he knows Paramore's basic credibility is going to tank if he doesn't remind us that no, his buds and partners in artistry aren't trying to outcute Katy Perry (No, outcute isn't a real word. It's called artistic license. I got mine and I'm cruisin in a way only Smokey Robinson and The Miracles could grasp). What a clinic in muscle flexing. Taylor York is content to play follow the leader drumbeat wise. "Misery Business" was crunchy in so many pleasurable ways. "Ain't It Fun" is the whipped air. Did it really take three minutes and forty seven seconds to tell off some poor simpleton who, if Hayley's railings are to be believed, thinks the world orbits around him? Paramore, please consult with your financial advisors. You need to file for creative bankruptcy. Carly Simon expressed this sentiment a shade over four decades ago ("You're So Vain") and she was far less irritating in doing so. I wish the song was nearly as "fun" as the video. Why you'd want to break records in the areas the vid makes reference to is a mystery but at least the visuals communicate, "Hey there people of the world! We're Paramore! We're back! We wanna rock!! ROCK!! (Please don't sue me Dee Snider). As an unwilling member of the billions strong adulthood club I can tell you that adapting is not an easy matter. You have to try somehow but it's an unenviable Herculean climb for some folks. Why Paramore deemed it necessary to sing about how if you stick around long enough, you'll start to realize how hopelessly alone you are in the real world (as if there even is such a thing as "the real world". Watched the news lately? Pretty damned unreal. Humans...a questionable idea since the time Adam and Eve had that dalliance with produce and horticulture)is between the band and their corporate puppet string bearers. Bubbly keyboards don't belong here. Unless it somehow makes humans feel bubbly inside to treat their follower planeteers like something the dog ejected onto the lawn. Nope, clap along choruses aren't livening up this rubbing in of moral failings, perceived or assumed by the society at large. "Mean Girls" is a Lindsay Lohan thing (So are hard drugs but that's not why I've gathered you here today, is it?)Na-neh-na-neh-na na!! That's it. One big slab of na-neh-na-neh-na na. I know we're expected to have reduced standards in the times we live in but obnoxious isn't commendable whether the economy is sailing through the roof or as flat as holiday fruitcake. I'm a sensitive chap. I have actual standards of decorum. "Ain't It Fun" isn't fun on any level. The dental cleaning I got last Monday was more enjoyable and, moreover it enhanced my quality of life. "Ain't It Fun" simply doesn't add up to time well spent. Hayley would be best served giving that keyboard back to 1984 before the space time fabric suffers irreparable harm.