No Love For Fergie

The best thing in my estimation that can be said about Fergie is she causes less damage to the species at large as a member of The Black Eyed Peas. Flying solo she's so in love with herself you swear thank you letters from local chocolate shops nationwide must be blocking her front door. "L.A. Love (la la) again demonstrates that life truly isn't fair. She's had way more than the Andy Warhol prescribed fifteen minutes of fame. How has she used this generous borrowed time? To put her claw marks all over a single that's Pepsi to the nth power. Chug it down, toss it away, and forget about it. The usual artificially flavored goodies are accounted for. Bad ass synth fills? Check. Too silly to be imagined by mortal souls chorus? Locked, loaded, and set to rip your previously open minded soul to shreds. Stream of consciousness list of all the places she's gone globetrotting? Was there ever any doubt? Hold the Fergie ferry a sec. Came up with a second plus side to the femme who sullied the reputation of London Bridge for countless generations to come. "L.A. Love (la la)" is far too brief to result in any permanent scarring. If you want to be really generous you can play fantasy world with yourself and visualize you vacationing in all those places Fergie rattles off. To prove I'm not such a hard hearted guy I'll play travel guide for a paragraph or to. I'm not sure who Fergie stands to impress comparing herself to a gnat as she does when describing her jet voyage to New York. In any case New York has a few things to recommend it. Like legitimate theater? The Big Apple's there to be your bestie. Want some bagels as they were meant to be eaten? N.Y.C., you're the place for me. Next stop London. The Big Ben not playing football in Pittsburgh's sure to excite you. How about some fish and chips? That's good if not necessarily good for you snackin'. As for Brazil? Steamy samba and spirited soccer ought to cure what ails you. I don't have to dig deep to praise Quebec. It's Canadian which gets my vote given the many other spots in that country I've visited. I may yet get there myself in the future. You'll need to bone up on your French but that's a small price to play for rolling with the high style set. Now I shall return to Fergie flaying. As a member in questionable standing of this "whole damn world" I haven't taken effect to Ferg. I see her problem. You can't make whole damn world minus one sound street tough. "Come to represent" doesn't knock my socks off. Yup, still aiding my shoes commendably. As for the balance of the single I'll spare you the tension headache that doesn't satisfy nearly as much as brain freeze incurred from sucking Slurpees too fast. Fergie essentially has the globe saying la la la la la. Does Las Vegas have nothing better to do? Why not help the too far gone cure their gambling addictions. And Australia? Fascinating country. That the people there would waste one squirt from a water fountain to acknowledge her boggles the mind. Has Tokyo not succeeded in Godzilla proofing itself? If the motion picture industry is to be believed the answer's no. Nobody has accused or will ever accuse Fergie of trying to be Greek theater brainy. Consistency, you are Fergalicious. This time around nobody can accuse Fergie of putting out product worth upwards of five minutes of your precious time either. L.A. Love (la la)" lacks the chemistry needed to incite a massive pop explosion. Hate's a strong word, but steady dislike fills the bill.