What Really Hurts Is Maroon 5's Nonchalance

I can't expect Maroon 5 to be amazing every time can I? That expectation's been dashed courtesy of "This Summer's Gonna Hurt Like A Motherf****r". I suppose this band earned the right to coast a hair since its catalog stuns me due to how wall to wall gratifying it's become. Riding its coattails isn't hard to imagine. From "Songs About Jane" onward Maroon 5 delivers the goods in a fashion that would make the Pony Express green with envy. Was it vanity? Was it some aching need to uncork a summer specific jam? Maybe Adam Levine and pals uncorked a brain fart that wafted to the rest of us poor unfortunates. I guess we'll never know the motivation. Not that Maroon 5's technical abilities take it too strongly on the chin. PJ Morton steps forward to claim his due. That's because his keyboard gleams all over with studio sheen. You're not going to get guitar controlling the air space. That Adam has room to roam on this track should surprise no one. Maroon 5 and Adam Levine's star wattage are inextricably linked. The troubling aspect of "Summer" boils down to a hard to escape fact. You could put the choral refrain in the mouths of any one of a number of contemporary bands and never be sure who you're listening to. Maroon 5 can be summed up proudly by several adjectives. Sexy works as does breathtaking as does erotic. I'd never thought I'd see the day when disposable would be used also but here you have it. It's like James, Jesse, Mickey, and Matt are only given any notice at all during their contribution in the chorus. Adam's lust for the female form remains a theme he's used like money in the bank either against a woman's attitude or on behalf of her charms. He's a Romeo whose libido goes to globetrotter mode repeatedly. Usually that's working to his advantage. "Her body's like the summer" gets points as good use of simile but nothing a high school freshman couldn't have texted to someone during homeroom, the modern day equivalent of passing notes. We get to apply the periscope lens a bit easier when Adam elaborates that "I see her dancing in the streets, sipping champagne on the beach." At last we're part of the movie instead of getting a peripheral glance in passing. The man says "I see her when I go to sleep." Funny...many of the lyrics sound like they were the product of someone in a sleep like daze fumbling for the a-ha light switch moment. I'm afraid to tell you that never happens. Adam's charm can't save the sophomoric sentiments from dragging the project down like the ill-fated Hindenburg. Stanza three tells all you need to understand about why I make the insistence. He says "I'm ripping off that bandage." You know how it goes after enough time has passed following a doctor's pin prick. You're aching to rip that bandage off pronto. There's nothing bodice ripping about "She wants it all. She's always taking something and now I'm left with nothing." Cologne scented pablum bottled by the master. He's the guy to peddle the product but it's dross anyway. I have fond recollections of "Hands All Over". Groove after groove registered in a major way. "This Summer's Gonna Hurt Like A Mothetf***r" is for all the world Adam's excuse to foist a gimmicky summer anthem on the public. Foist he can do. Buy the snake oil I'm not. What hurts is Maroon 5 wants to take me for a fool. I've heard them at their best. This is a million light years from that.