Rihanna Really Should Apologize

How unfortunate that Rihanna's new CD is called "Unapologetic". She needs to apologize to her fans for overwhelming them with her quest to be taken seriously with a 55 minutes and change orgy of mostly miss ideas. She needs to apologize to every major symphony orchestra on the planet for thinking their milieu was the best way to dress up "Get It Over With". She needs to apologize to battered women and those trying hard not to become battered women for agreeing to be associated with "Nobody's Business", a duet with Chris Brown, the lunkhead who thought Rihanna would make a great punching bag (or is that smacking bag?) To make matters worse, she should also consider apologizing to the family of Michael Jackson for looting some choice lines from "The Way You Make Me Feel". Michael, eccentric as he could be, wasn't into physical violence. I wonder how he'd feel knowing a post-millennial R & B grrrl of the moment was lifting some of his '80s work to arouse circa 2012 audiences who must be easy to arouse if this is getting them hot and bothered. Maybe Rihanna and Chris could've buried the hatchet after say several more years had passed. Possibly after there was enough proof that Chris wasn't going to do something Biblically unadvisable to someone like Carly Rae Jepsen or Katy Perry then these two could meet up again. Granted "Numb" ideally portrays what post car wreck inebriation must feel like. Eminem likely bopped into the recording studio long enough to evoke images of alcohol mixed with puke, collect his royalty money, and then return to standing on top of the hip hop throne. The uneasiness of the backdrop seizes attention. Could've lived without Slim Shady's allusion to the "butt police". Yup, no shortage of subtle there. The man does send flickerings of "Where in the hell's my damn car keys? Is that my puke on the asphalt?" Let's saunter on over to "Jump", a miscarriage of sexual justice which wouldn't get a condemned death row prisoner even one semen drop of reassurance. Rihanna invites men to "come on and jump me." She's the pony they're supposed to ride. Nope. Pants still firmly in zipped position. The car alarm on haywire synths are even less appealing. So let's recap. Rihanna's not making me drop my drawers, the synths are devouring any trace of restraint there might have been, I have to take the metric ton of smutty verbiage to bed with me. Good luck being ready to board the 'ol dream weaver train. That'll take at least one cold shower, possibly three. Lucky for her "Diamonds" has morphed into a chart topper. It's the only jam here that's not breaking out of its mental institution shackles and salivating all over anyone and anything within a twenty mile range. Opting to be extra generous with a project isn't a bad thing. I get that Rihanna is somehow trying to take her game to some perceived next level. "Unapologetic" is one overblown step way back. I'm now highly nostalgic for her first big hit "Pon De Replay". THAT was a snappy party starter. For the most part what's scooped off the floor for "Unapologetic" is pungent enough to clear any auditorium full of "invited" guests. When Rihanna's done apologizing to all those segments of the global community I alluded to earlier she needs to take a long look in the mirror and apologize to herself for thinking this tripe was in fact part of a brilliant plan to send her career into warp drive. I really feel your pain now. A bottle of Tylenol doesn't do this justice.